“And I for one welcome our new Tuatara Overlords”

They have come a long way since the big guy Carl Vasta built a brewery in a shed on his farm because he wanted to make some tasty beers, and maybe sell a few that were left over. The Tuatara Brewery was born out of Kiwi ingenuity, hard work and a serious thirst.

Malthouse was one of the very first venues to stock Tuatara beer. They were doing it way before it was cool. In the early days you could only really enjoy Tuatara at the original Malthouse (on lower Willis Street) or it’s more bohemian and funny-smelling [1] cousin Bar Bodega (on upper Willis Street). Both bars have since changed location and, in the Bodge’s case, ownership.

Former Bodega owner Fraser McInnes once noted to me that there were a lot of people protesting when his pub had to move because of a big roading project. He was a bit surprised that he did not recognise a single one of the most vocal activists but was adamant they had never spent a dime at his bar. They just did not like roading projects. Fraser is a character in an industry of characters and can occasionally be sighted at Malthouse.

The original Malthouse was the place I discovered craft beer, putting behind a sketchy drinking history of Rheineck, Mr Kitto’s home brew, [2] Lion Brown and Tui. We shall not even talk about the dark Coyote Tequila days. [3] A pint of Pink Elephant Mammoth changed my view of beer and eventually changed my career.

One of the beneficiaries of that metamorphosis was Tuatara because I drank a lot of it, particularly the Pilsner early on. [4] The original Malthouse also did a fantastic dish of mussels in a wheat beer broth but the recipe has been lost in the sands of time (if it was even written down in the first place). Several talented chefs have tried to reconstruct but have been burdened by contradictory oral histories. For example:

Me: “It definitely had chilli and celery in it.”

Colin: “There was absolutely no chilli or celery but there was onions and cream.”

Chef: “Get out of my kitchen.”

The Tuatara brewery regularly expanded. First it went to a bigger shed. Then a much bigger shed. Then two much bigger sheds. It had to move off the Waikanae farm as the logistical difficulties of getting big delivery trucks down a farm track on a hill often the rain became apparent. Tuatara moved to the “Big Smoke” – the hamlet of Paraparaumu. It now proudly occupies a sleek, spacious and clean facility, [5] employing over 15 people and opened by the Prime Minister himself.

Yes, John Key was there at 10am sipping a beer with Carl, the Mayor and the local MP. The staff at neighbouring businesses seemed slightly startled when serious men in matching suits arrived and started talking into their sleeves as they checked out the venue.

As it happened, the most dangerous incident was Prime Minister John Key telling the audience that he was “really more of a wine man.” No one was injured but Mr Key was made to wear the cardboard 3-D glasses from the Double Trouble bottle and the media gleefully snapped away. Thanks to the miracle of Google, we can still enjoy that photographic goodness today. I do so on a regular basis. The link is below.

I’d like to make a rare off-topic observation. [6] The Prime Minister had a written speech at Tuatara – it stayed firmly in his pocket while he just had a chat with the crowd. It always amuses me when political pundits claim he is intensely media managed and simply delivering bullet points from his shadowy advisors. Nothing could be further from the truth. Key loves to talk openly and directly, away from prepared notes, and then tell a beer crowd that he really prefers wine. And get cheered for it.

So, Saturday 5 December is the date for the massive Tuatara XV Birthday Tap Takeover. There is a private function from 4pm to 6pm when the doors will be thrown open to the thirsty masses. There will be a special new beer on tap, Tuatara will be occupying over twenty taps and the Keg Demi-Gods have been hard at work setting up for the event. Malty will be pouring more than 20 Tuatara brews – familiar favourites and limited releases – along with beer from Townshend Brewery and cider from Zeffer Cider Company!

There will also be an auction of one of the 300 limited edition birthday magnums of Tuatara’s XV Russian Imperial Stout, with all proceeds going to the Cardiac Inherited Disease Group – CIDG. Malthouse and Tuatara are looking to outdo the $400 made in Auckland for Life Flight at 16 TUN. Surely we cannot let Aucklanders be more generous than people from the Craft Beer Capital of New Zealand celebrating one of our favourite local brewery’s fifteenth birthday?

Here is a full tap list and my comments (where applicable) in brackets:

– XV Imperial Russian Stout
– Tuatara Nui
– Tuatara Sauvinova (This is tasting lovely at the moment)
– Tuatara Outrigger
– Tuatara and Pelican Brewing Company’s Big Bill Amber Ale (Pelicans rule!)
– Heavenly Hop Wit White IPA (Why is White IPA a thing?)
– Tuatara Raspberry Tart (Don’t even start me on raspberry beers…)
– Tuatartan Scotch Ale (See what they did there? It’s not a typo you grammar snobs!)
– Tuatara Toasted Malt Stout
– Tuatara Barrel-Aged Stout
– Tuatara Tu-Rye-Ay Midnight Rye IPA (The best beer name to sing to the bar staff at the top of your voice. They love it. If you do a little dance you might get 20% off.) [7]
– Tuatara and Wellington Chocolate Factory Chocolate Stout
– Tuatara and Mojo Coffee Espresso Stout
– Tuatara Double Trouble (It will be the tap I’m desperately trying to get my mouth under while Ciaran fights me off with a broom… Responsibly, of course.)
– Tuatara Ardennes
– Tuatara Tripel
– Tuatara Bohemian Pilsner
– Tuatara Bavarian Hefe
– Tuatara NZ APA (One of our greatest local pale ales.)
– Tuatara US APA (Another one of our greatest local pale ales. Try them side by side. Responsibly, of course.)
– Tuatara Iti (For the responsible drinker who still want a beer that tastes like beer.)
– Tuatara IPA
– Tuatara London Porter

– Townshend’s Aotearoa Pale Ale
– Townshend’s Old House ESB
– Townshend’s JCIPA (Love it. Love everything about it.)
– Townshend’s Blitzgreig American IPA (So good it survives association with noted leftwing activist Greig McGill.) [8]

– Zeffer Dry Apple Cider
– Zeffer Real Ginger Beer

Next time, we drink to Paul Wicksteed, a talented and generous home brewer, advisor, mentor and drinking buddy to so many. He was taken from us too soon. There is a Givealittle page for his family (the link is below). Cheers Paul.

[1] “Smells like Otto’s jacket”. There is your obscure Simpsons reference for the week.

[2] Mr Kitto was not at home when I tried it but I am pleased to report he is still brewing some twenty years later. He has even put down a beer with one of his daughters at the Occasional Brewer. She may have been the one who revealed the location of those home brews to a younger me many years ago in the leafy suburb of Tawa. Circle of Life.

[3] Actual Motto: “Howling for a Coyote!” Actual results did vary.

[4] My focus basically went Pilsners, Belgian Beers, Pale Ales, Hoppier Pale Ales then Absurdly Hoppy Pale Ales.

[5] The farm brewery was “atmospheric.”

[6] Who am I kidding here? If it wasn’t for off-topic observations this blog would be two paragraphs long and on time for a change.

[7] Usual disclaimer that the key word is “might”. You might also win Lotto. It is a funny old world.

[8] He moved from Hamilton so I had to find some new jokes. It was a mixed result.

Cheers

Neil Miller

Beer Writer

Beer and Brewer Magazine

Cuisine Magazine

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